"No, thanks"

Sunday, January 25, 2009
8:21 pm I haven't left my bed all day.

Holy hangover, Batman. What a weekend. Let's talk about Friday.

Friday morning I woke up and actually caught the bus to Watertown. Yay! I was busy all day at my internship, and before I knew it, I was riding the bus back to my apartment to begin the evening's festivities. It was my friend Sasha's 22nd birthday, so everyone was going to Gypsy to dance the night away. I'd never been to Gypsy before, and when I heard it was a club I was a little skeptical, but I ended up having a really good time.

The thing with clubs is, you have to be on your guard. When you're dancing with your girlfriends, you never know when you're going to find yourself surrounded by 30-year-old men with slicked back hair and too many shirt buttons undone. It can be a scary place. Luckily, my friends and I have a lot of experience rejecting men.

The first incident occurred when we ran into a "Bitter Guy." Bitter Guys are a fairly common breed in the downtown Boston area. They tend to travel in groups of two or three, hitting on anything that moves. When a Bitter Guy is rejected, as he usually is, he becomes aggressive, attacking his rejector. One of these guys was slithering around the dance floor when he bumped into Maria, probably on purpose. He said "My bad," took a look at her rack and then said "Wow, maybe not my bad." Recognizing all the characteristics of a Bitter Guy, I stuck my hand in his face and told him he could go. That's when he turned on me and said "You're not that hot anyway," before slinking away. That would have been a hurtful comment had it been even remotely true. I mean seriously, he was like a three. We survived the encounter unharmed, though Bitter Guy skulked around our group of friends for the rest of the night.

Later on, I ran into a "Wingman." A Wingman is a prominent species in most urban bars and clubs. Wingmen work in teams to help their fellow Wingmen find mates. It's touching. Kind of. So, I'm dancing and this guy taps me on the shoulder. "My friend thinks you're beautiful." So? "Will you dance with him?" "Do you always do the talking for your friends?" I asked. "Well, no, I, uh, he just wanted me to see if, uh..." One thing about Wingmen is they are easily confused when forced to answer simple questions. Anyway, his friend walks up to me and says "You're dancing with me." I was pleased with his more direct approach, so I let him dance with me. He kept telling me I was beautiful. I told him to stop talking.

Then the original Wingman did something I have heard can happen but had never experienced before. He got jealous. The problem with the Wingman strategy is they do all the work (approach the girl, talk to the girl, convince the girl to go with the friend), but they are left with little reward. So, while I was dancing with the friend, the Wingman grabs my hand, twirls me, and basically steals me away. I was so impressed by the twirly move, I let him. And it was pretty hilarious. The friend stormed away, and I danced with the Wingman until I got bored and he started dancing really strangely. I just boogied away with my friends.

Shortly thereafter, I encountered a breed I had never seen before. It's a breed that's extremely hard to classify, but I think I nailed it. Let me explain. I briefly make eye contact with this cute guy while on the dance floor. Moments later, he appears by my side. "Hi, I'm ____. I saw you over there, and I just wanted to tell you you're beautiful." The line was pretty corny, but he was very cute and seemed genuine, so we kept talking. Good smile, nice eyes, wearing a necklace... hmmmm, something wasn't right. He told me he was going to go find his friends, but if he saw me later, maybe we could "have a dance." I nodded, but I was perplexed. Later, he found me again, but I wanted to leave and was trying to track down all of my friends. I nodded patiently as he gesticulated wildly as he talked about business school when suddenly, it hit me. I gasped, taking in the rare creature before me. I had heard of this breed was fairly common in parts of the South and Midwest, but this was a rare find for Boston. The corny but sweet pick-up line, the impeccable dress with one major flaw, the uncreepy demeanor, and the excitement over school and the direction of his life- it all made sense! I was looking at an "In-the-Closet Gay Guy." In-the-Closet Gay Guys usually don't know they are gay... to the point that they talk to girls in clubs and bars because they think this is what they are supposed to do. Pretty and dumb, they may never realize they are not actually attracted to the girls they go after.

As I sat in the cab on the way home, I looked wistfully out the window and crossed my fingers hoping that one day, he would join the Gay Guys.

Love,
Tara

P.S. My sister is SO talented. Take a look at this hilarious video she made with her friends last night. Most productive sleepover, ever.